Category: Episodes

Cock-a-doodle-doo! Roll out of bed, you sleepy head! The early hater gets the worm! Co-host Arik literally woke up seconds before the show started recording, so please forgive him for not wearing any pants. (Warning: do not watch this episode on YouTube.)

 

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, cannot stand Road Ragers. Why the hell would anyone cut her off, then brake-check her for several miles, throwing the bird at her all the while, when she’s behind the wheel of her boss’ F-450 Platinum?! Thankfully she doesn’t have “roid rage,” so said arse-bucket behind the wheel will survive to drive aggressively another day.

 

THN PSA: To all speeding jerk-weeds in Chargers, please note that the driver you swerved around and dusted 30 seconds ago just pulled up to you at the next red light. Figure it out, and chill the F out.

 

Arik expresses hate couture for all of the teenagers these days sporting T-shirts of bands and musicians who they don’t know a damned thing about. KISS, Cat Stevens, Prince, Gin Blossoms, Whitney Houston. “If you’re wearing a Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, and I yell ‘FREE BIRD!!’, and you start looking around in the sky—you deserve to have that shirt ripped off you where you stand.”

 

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali is tired of negative online reviews of large chain restaurants. Don’t get your panties tied in a wad over only receiving two ketchup packets. You knew what McDonald’s was before you walked in the door! Also, for what it’s worth, that’s two more packets than you would have received at any Michelin star restaurant. (Also, maybe burn a calorie or two. Get off your lard ass and ask for another packet of ketchup—and maybe a life!—at the counter.)

 

That’s all for now, folks! Arik has to put on his Green Day Dookie T-shirt and take his morning “constitutional.”

 

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EPISODE 51 SYNOPSIS

 

“Relaxing Sphincters, Ass Wedging & Lying Teenagers”

 

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, recent recipient of the First Annual Hatey Awards, kicks off the show: “Again, I’m truly honored. Now let’s just get out there and love people with a big ol’ heaping helping of hate.”

 

Co-host Arik agrees: “Except for Lotto Man. I f@cking despise Lotto Man.”

 

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali serves up smartphone hate on a plate, and it bytes! What the hell is with all this bloatware! A person has to become a full-blown computer programmer to remove all the unwanted, pre-installed apps that take up endless space on one’s phone—not to mention supposed “anti-spy” programs that actually track key movements. 

 

Arik throws up his arms. “Listen, if Big Brother wants to know whether I like to eat ass, or if I don’t like hirsute women, what the hell do I care?”

 

Carla takes notes so she can sell Arik’s info to Google. “So, salad tossing, good. Hairy pits, bad.” 

 

Next, Carla unearths a vein of pure, golden hate: lazy teenagers who lie. It would appear that Cletus is in the doghouse this week—which is convenient, given Gus the Wonder Hound’s recent departure for the canine afterlife. Once upon a time, children were scared to death to lie to their parents. Now, serial lying is a foundation for a future career as a CEO or politician. (Jeez, remove heavy beatings from the home, and look what happens.)

 

Pauly presents some cultural hate du jour: toilets that are installed too close to walls. “Everywhere I go in Asia, the toilet is right up against the wall! You can’t spread your legs wide enough to relax and let number two do its thing!” Arik foresees that without relaxing sphincters, the world may soon face a Hemorrhoid Pandemic! Carla concurs: for the sake of hygiene, no more ass wedging!

 

Thus begin The Great Toilet Tales of 2022, from Arik’s basement children’s toilet (the revenge of a contractor who was mad to be given one-ply TP during a major project), to Carla’s mysterious toilet-in-the-middle-of-the-room-with-no-walls basement. 

 

Folks, we often promise the anals of hate. This time, we deliver. 

 

FLUSH!

 

Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thehatenapkin/support