Hello, everybody! Hey, Steve! Pass me a Budweiser! Let’s spread some seventh inning stretch hate! Sound engineer Pauly from Bali takes the hate baton and starts running. And he better run fast, because in his declaration of despising fat people wearing T-shirts, co-host Arik and special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, show off their XXXL couture and threaten to sit on him until he’s a hapless little f$ckcake.

 

THN PSA: READ BANNED BOOKS! Next, co-host Arik hates having to give an enema to a loved one—not that he has ever had to, er, ASSuage a loved one’s pain. The THN Team plies him for more details, but Arik won’t budge. No, seriously, he can’t. He’s a fat man in a T-shirt. (We conclude this segment with an interview with Saudi Prince Inima Damama.)

 

Arik also can’t stand dick pics. It’s perfectly understandable that a random stranger doesn’t want an electronic eggplant sent to him or her sans invitation. But it’s just as problematic taking a photo of one’s own schlong and sending it across the ether to another human being, by request. Arik: “I mean, ultimately, someone else might be able to tell it’s my genitalia.” Pauly: “Dude, you’re not supposed to include your face in the photo!” Arik: “Oh.” WARNING TO YOUTUBE VIEWERS: Sigh.

 

Arik proceeds to show a dick pic. Carla saves the day with some basic everyday hate. She cannot stand retail labels that are impossibly stuck to products—especially when the label impairs the use of said product! For instance, if you’re a company that produces watering cans for plants and gardens, perhaps DO NOT place your large sticker over the GD spout!

 

Finally, why does every eligible bachelorette in this country have a New Age side gig? Why do you have to go outside in the middle of our date night movie and place water bottles within view of the full moon? And, no, I do not want to hear about my aura! But…would you like a dick pic?

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This episode is sponsored by
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Sound engineer Pauly from Bali unleashes hate upon irresponsible dog owners. When two dogs are sniffing at each other apprehensively, the last thing they need is their owners to start screaming bloody murder and waving their hands like Kermit the Frog.
In Dogese, this translates to: “KILL THE BASTARD!” Co-host Arik, who was once bit in the nuts by a 170-pound Anatolian shepherd, agrees: “HEY FIDO! INSTEAD, TEAR OUT THE THROAT OF YOUR DUMB OWNER!” Arik surmises that The Hate Napkin’s success (wait, it’s successful?) is due to the fact that (1) Arik loves cats and hates dogs, (2) Pauly from Bali loves dogs and hates cats, and (3) Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, loves Arik and Pauly. Speaking of felines and canines, Carla has an announcement: Gus the photobombing hound had to be put down due to cancer. Yet Gus’ ashes remain in the video background in perpetuity for all to see. (How long will it be before Carla puts Arik and Pauly down? Stay tuned!) Next.
While the Arbor Day Foundation remains just about the only charity Arik will make donations to these days, he can’t entirely leave the ADF folks off the hook. “Every four days, I receive this HUGE packet of paper from the Arbor Day Foundation. So basically you took all my money, cut down a bunch of trees, then sent me the remains asking to help grow new ones. This is kind of like St. Jude asking you for funds on the skin of dead cancer babies.”
The bile in Arik has been building: he also can’t stand the celebrity overthrow of all forms of media, including podcasts! “Here we are, toiling away for 40-some episodes, and Andy Dick comes along and takes our penultimate spot at the bottom of the podcast ratings!”
Carla: “40 episodes of nothing. The Hate Napkin: the Seinfeld of podcasts.” Finally, we conclude with Arik’s bleeding anus and Pauly’s bloody party trick—plus Pauly pees himself, and Arik shovels his own poo!
—
This episode is sponsored by
· Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast.
https://anchor.fm/app
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thehatenapkin/support